Comments for Abigail Carter: the Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow’s Transformation http://abigailcarter.com Tiptoeing through the morass that is life after loss Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:14:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by Kristine http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1721 Kristine Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:14:48 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1721 There are more ways to medicate grief than using prescription drugs. After my husband died from cancer when we were both quite young, I was so traumatized I could not stand to feel any feelings at all. So I self-medicated via becoming a workaholic and exerciseaholic and socialaholic. I changed jobs, moved, and began a new romantic relataionship. Anything to distract me from feeling pain. The problem is, grief eventually caught up with me and laid me flat. It is so much better to ride the waves of grief when they naturally arise. Meds may help one remain functional and not slip into a paralyzing depression, but they should not blunt one's ability to feel naturally occuring, normal emotions. Thank you for the post, Abby. There are more ways to medicate grief than using prescription drugs. After my husband died from cancer when we were both quite young, I was so traumatized I could not stand to feel any feelings at all. So I self-medicated via becoming a workaholic and exerciseaholic and socialaholic. I changed jobs, moved, and began a new romantic relataionship. Anything to distract me from feeling pain. The problem is, grief eventually caught up with me and laid me flat. It is so much better to ride the waves of grief when they naturally arise. Meds may help one remain functional and not slip into a paralyzing depression, but they should not blunt one’s ability to feel naturally occuring, normal emotions.
Thank you for the post, Abby.

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by Alaina http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1720 Alaina Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:39:15 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1720 After losing my father to cancer and watching my mother - still untreated - fail to ever truly be herself again, I am so intrigued by this. I completely agree with you that you can't hide from grief or try to send it packing because it will resurface. Thanks for the awesome post. So glad you are still writing and good luck on the job front. And PS, I was completely comfortable and content in my singleness when I met Seth - so watch out, Lady! After losing my father to cancer and watching my mother – still untreated – fail to ever truly be herself again, I am so intrigued by this. I completely agree with you that you can’t hide from grief or try to send it packing because it will resurface. Thanks for the awesome post. So glad you are still writing and good luck on the job front. And PS, I was completely comfortable and content in my singleness when I met Seth – so watch out, Lady!

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by Abigail Carter http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1719 Abigail Carter Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:47:49 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1719 That is the one true thing about grief, that every person's experience is different. It is our society's expectation that grief is a condition that needs "fixing" that is constant, and often hinders the healing even more. Thanks BLW for your comment. That is the one true thing about grief, that every person’s experience is different. It is our society’s expectation that grief is a condition that needs “fixing” that is constant, and often hinders the healing even more.
Thanks BLW for your comment.

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by Abigail Carter http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1718 Abigail Carter Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:45:30 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1718 Perfect Tom, Thanks for posting here. This poem is so apropos. Perfect Tom,

Thanks for posting here. This poem is so apropos.

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by Abigail Carter http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1717 Abigail Carter Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:44:56 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1717 William, You're right. I didn't mention God or faith in my post, a strange omission. I suppose you could argue that faith is both an external crutch and part of an internal healing depending on how you define God, whether "he" is external to you or an internal presence. Thanks for posting your astute observation. William,

You’re right. I didn’t mention God or faith in my post, a strange omission. I suppose you could argue that faith is both an external crutch and part of an internal healing depending on how you define God, whether “he” is external to you or an internal presence.
Thanks for posting your astute observation.

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by BigLittleWolf http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1716 BigLittleWolf Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:26:45 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1716 So much thoughtfulness and wisdom here. Every situation is different. Every individual is different. When will we stop slapping on labels and looking for the quick fix? People love, deeply, and in complicated ways. We process loss, similarly, in stories that are our own. So much thoughtfulness and wisdom here. Every situation is different. Every individual is different. When will we stop slapping on labels and looking for the quick fix?

People love, deeply, and in complicated ways. We process loss, similarly, in stories that are our own.

]]> Comment on Getting a Job to Find a Man? by Pete http://abigailcarter.com/dating/getting-a-job-to-find-a-man/comment-page-1/#comment-1714 Pete Wed, 01 Feb 2012 01:58:09 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1063#comment-1714 Much to relate to for me. It’s approaching 3 years for me since Lisa died and I’ve also become pretty cozy with single life, in part because I also have kids and therefore don’t really feel alone and in part because I guess I still feel married. I worry that the longer I’m on my own, the more set in my ways I’ll become and the less willing I’ll be to compromise if/when there’s ever someone else in my life. It used to be tough to see myself on my own for long and now it’s getting tough not to, though I really do miss the companionship. I’ve worked for most of the past 3 years, typically around 30-40 hours a week as an independent consultant. It was initially a good distraction and now it’s more of a means of keeping the mind sharp and of course generating income, however I find that it’s too much at times. I recognize that my mindshare is spread across many things and I just can’t focus on work the way I did before I was widowed. Part of it is the nature of the work I do which can (for me) be somewhat intense at times. Finding the right balance of good work, good pay, and flexibility is definitely the trick. Work doesn’t seem to be too helpful to me in meeting women, but I work at home so meeting new people face to face is a rarity. My kids wonder why I can’t wait to go grocery shopping on Saturday! Much to relate to for me. It’s approaching 3 years for me since Lisa died and I’ve also become pretty cozy with single life, in part because I also have kids and therefore don’t really feel alone and in part because I guess I still feel married. I worry that the longer I’m on my own, the more set in my ways I’ll become and the less willing I’ll be to compromise if/when there’s ever someone else in my life. It used to be tough to see myself on my own for long and now it’s getting tough not to, though I really do miss the companionship.

I’ve worked for most of the past 3 years, typically around 30-40 hours a week as an independent consultant. It was initially a good distraction and now it’s more of a means of keeping the mind sharp and of course generating income, however I find that it’s too much at times. I recognize that my mindshare is spread across many things and I just can’t focus on work the way I did before I was widowed. Part of it is the nature of the work I do which can (for me) be somewhat intense at times. Finding the right balance of good work, good pay, and flexibility is definitely the trick.

Work doesn’t seem to be too helpful to me in meeting women, but I work at home so meeting new people face to face is a rarity. My kids wonder why I can’t wait to go grocery shopping on Saturday!

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by T http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1708 T Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:50:37 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1708 The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Rumi The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

]]> Comment on Grief as Mental Illness by william http://abigailcarter.com/loss/grief-as-mental-illness/comment-page-1/#comment-1700 william Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:15:42 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=1075#comment-1700 Abby - What I noticed as absent from your discussion was the idea of God - or religion in general - and its role in grief. It is arguably one of the many crutches we use to deal with grief. No doubt including it should elicit all sorts of responses, but in the end I'm reminded of John Lennon's lyrics: "God is a concept by which we measure our pain". In my view, while it would have been intellectually compelling to raise God as one of our crutches, I'd still end up agreeing with what you wrote about relying on external solutions. God, no more than therapists, support groups or drugs, is going to be the solution to one's pain. Time and one's self will accomplish that. But, as you wrote, many need a crutch to navigate the deep waters of grief, and the choice of that crutch is an entirely personal choice. Abby -
What I noticed as absent from your discussion was the idea of God – or religion in general – and its role in grief. It is arguably one of the many crutches we use to deal with grief. No doubt including it should elicit all sorts of responses, but in the end I’m reminded of John Lennon’s lyrics: “God is a concept by which we measure our pain”. In my view, while it would have been intellectually compelling to raise God as one of our crutches, I’d still end up agreeing with what you wrote about relying on external solutions. God, no more than therapists, support groups or drugs, is going to be the solution to one’s pain. Time and one’s self will accomplish that. But, as you wrote, many need a crutch to navigate the deep waters of grief, and the choice of that crutch is an entirely personal choice.

]]> Comment on Letting Go of Childhood by Manvelito2Burrus http://abigailcarter.com/kids/letting-go-of-childhood/comment-page-1/#comment-1694 Manvelito2Burrus Sat, 28 Jan 2012 04:20:45 +0000 http://abigailcarter.com/?p=375#comment-1694 {Techniques|Methods|Strategies|Tactics} {we have|we now have|we've|we've got} {witnessed|observed|experienced|seen} {many|numerous|several|a lot of} #file_links[C:\XRPROJECT\mulberryclassic\key.txt,1,S],{1|One|A single|One particular},S] {sacks|bags|carriers|totes} {produced|created|made|developed} {and some|plus some|and a few|and several} {turning out to be|growing to be|turning into|getting} {replica|reproduction|duplicate|look-alike} #file_links[C:\XRPROJECT\mulberryclassic\key.txt,1,S] {more|much more|a lot more|far more} {productive|effective|successful|profitable} {more than|a lot more than|greater than|over} {other individuals|other people|others|people}. {Even|Actually|Also|Perhaps} #file_links[C:\XRPROJECT\basicinfo\othersites.txt,1,S] clutches 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