Divorcing a Ghost

I had a dream last night that my wedding ring, which is a thick gold band that I wear on my left hand had been grotesquely mangled, as though someone had taken huge steel cutters to it. The gold was mangled and sharp.

I don’t have many dreams about Arron. At the beginning I used to dream about him, but I could never see his face. It was always hidden by a hat, or I was riding behind him on the back of a motorcycle. Lately when I do have dreams about Arron, I am angry at him because he has just told me that he is leaving me, and wants a divorce.

I can’t help be struck by the thought that my mind is helping me divorce my ghost husband. Deep down, it feels like something I need to do in order to truly get beyond to whatever might be next. Perhaps its what his ghost needs to get in order to untether himself from my worldly grip.

It feels odd to wake up with that anguished, angry, heartsick feeling, something I imagine people go through when their spouse leaves them. But it also feels like good pain, that last scratch that removes the scab revealing the tender pink skin underneath.

The scar is tender and fragile, but in no danger of bursting open. It tells me that I am ready to jump back into the fray and risk new scars.

5 Comments

  1. ANovelMenagerie April 14, 2009 at 1:13 am

    Wow… I’m blown away by this post and don’t know what to say except that you are in my thoughts and hopes.

  2. anniegirl1138 April 14, 2009 at 10:38 am

    I never had a divorce dream though I know they are common amongst widowed.

    The night Will died, I saw him in a dream. He was off in the distance packing the trunk of his first car. There were two young men with him and later I realized that they were both school friends who’d died when they were all in their teens. Will didn’t acknowledge me. Just packed up and drove off. He seemed excited and happy. I took that dream to mean that he was leaving for what came next for him and that I was not a part of it. I have seen him only a few times since and he is never a main character. Always on the sidelines.

    I do believe that people hang out with us until we let them go on. I was more than ready to let Will go. I felt that we’d both been held in place long enough by the time he died. Perhaps that’s why he left so quickly?

    There’s no timeline and different parts of our lives and who we are come back on line at different times.

  3. Abigail April 14, 2009 at 10:52 am

    At this point I am not saddened by the divorce dreams, just aware that they are part of my evolution and perhaps his as well. I am more curious than anything, fascinated at the process that the mind must go through, even almost 8 years later. No timeline indeed.

    Annie, that is an amazing dream. It kind of sums up how I feel about the moving on part of it all. Just packing up and driving off, excited and happy. A lovely image.

  4. Chelsea Robbins July 27, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    "I can't help be struck by the thought that my mind is helping me divorce my ghost husband."

    well written. I have been enthralled by your blog.

    I am a young wife and mom, who had a step parent die at a young age, and a sister, so death is a touchy subject with me. I went to therapy as a child to deal with my abandonment issues. Subsequently, after my husband And I got married, I decided we needed life insurance because I fear he'll die too eventually. I know I need to let go of the fear of being left alone because I have to believe that God would pull me through whatever storm I endure in this life. Your blog is encouraging.

    Keep writing.

  5. Abigail July 27, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Thanks Chelsea,

    I am so glad that my post touched you. The amazing thing about loss is discovering how strong you actually are. But living in fear is no way to live. You just need to appreciate the moments that you do have.

    Thanks for your comment.

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