Flaky

Gosh, its hard writing a speech. Especially one about grief and loss. The subject is HUGE! But I am giving my speech in Waterloo, Ontario next Tuesday and I have to get it done. I have finally manged to arrange it into themes. Kids, Anger, Memorials, a 9/11 loss, etc. But I feel like I am barely scraping the surface. I do like my finale though, because I love talking about the silver lining of grief. The opportunity to grow and become someone you couldn’t have possibly imagined before grief. My friend asked me yesterday how I had changed. I had to think a lot about that. I think its that I wake up every morning with no expectations about how the day will go. The old me would have had the day planned down to the last minute, and if it didn’t go according to plan, I would get angry and frustrated. Now, my problem is being unable to prioritize, and being something I always vowed I wouldn’t be — flaky. Yes, I am flaky! I forget to answer emails, I miss orthodontist and doctors appointments, things I would never have done before. I think I have let go, and now the things that used to be important just aren’t anymore. Now the important things are figuring out how to impart to others the silver lining of grief.

5 Comments

  1. anniegirl1138 April 23, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    The dirty secret of widowhood is “the silver lining” because there is one for all but a few of us. I am someone different in a way that only people who knew me before can see and even they couldn’t describe it, so how could I?

    Good luck with the speech. You’ll be great.

  2. Roads April 29, 2009 at 11:53 am

    It’s interesting when you come to explain this, since change seems to emerge out of nowhere from the blackness, when it comes. And yet it takes the longest time to get there.

    But really, there should be no surprise. Because after this experience, how could you ever not change? It’s a bit like saying, how could you be hit by this huge sledgehammer, and not react to the impact in some fairly substantial ways.

    Best wishes and much admiration to you, from London.

  3. Daniel Mount April 30, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Good pie crusts are flaky, and everyone loves pie.

  4. Abigail May 1, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you Roads for the sentiments from London: The sledgehammer effect of grief is perfectly apt. And yes, there should be no surprise that there would be change.

    And Daniel. love the pie theory of flakiness. Perhaps its time to stop seeing flakiness as a flaw.

    Annie, I think the silver lining is rarely seen and changes are subtle. They don’t need to be described or even understood, just acknowledged.

    More on all of this in my next blog entry.

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