Get A Job!

The widowhood conference last weekend has given me a new-found appreciation for having a community. To suddenly be thrust into immediate friendships via this virtual world of bloghood was amazing to me. But when I got home I realized that I have been sequestering myself, hiding away behind my computer, lost in my blogness. My sense is it that is a common widow/widower thing to do. To hide.

But the conference made me realize that I need to meet more real people. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to laugh and revel in black humour with others who got it. Got me.

The other thing I did this week was hide my Match profile. Again. I am just too tired of being the one-date-wonder. All very nice men that I meet, but no click, no chemistry. Its demoralizing. Plus with all the emails flying around I couldn’t keep each profile straight. Was Mark the one who read philosophy or was that Ed? And I don’t know, but it seemed I had to exchange a LOT of emails before a guy would finally suggest coffee. It was tiring.

And so its dawning on me that I need to find some local community. And to meet some men the old fashioned way.

Hence a couple of ideas:

1. Join a church. my mom nearly spewed her sip of wine when I told her this over the phone. “Church? you?” she said. “What? I need to meet PEOPLE mom!” OK. She’s right. dumb idea. Unless it was a church where we could drink margaritas and laugh at all things Jesus.

2. Take a belly dancing class. Maybe not orthodox and I will only meet women. But fun. And maybe I can lose a bit of the middle age tire that seems to have taken hold of my waist.

3. Learn to row (as in scull. You know in those boats where you paddle backwards with eight other people and a tiny person at the back who shouts at you and tells you where to go?) Probably will have that women-only problem again. Not to mention the nasty 5am wake up. OK, maybe its a bad idea.

4. Take another writing class. The memoir class was great, but the problem with memoir is, you guessed it — only women. Writing about their grandmas. So fiction this time. Maybe I will actually meet someone with a Y chromosome. Probably writing science fiction. Oh no!

5. Get a job. Ooo. A radical idea. I have to say I like my life of so-called leisure. And I seem to always be overwhelmingly busy. I would have to find someone to take care of the kids after school. Am I talking myself out of this one? Let’s review:


– A routine
– Meeting other people, not just women
– Getting paid (maybe)
– Health insurance (maybe)
– Doing something fun (maybe)


– A routine
– Office politics
– Doing something boring (maybe)
– Hiring childcare which might not be cost efficient, depending on the job
– Writing would take a back seat

I want to write another book, but right now all I have are false starts. I can’t quite get into the swing. Maybe its because its the summer and I have kids breathing down my neck, bored out of their minds. And yet, I am meeting another psychic today (in person), to possibly discuss my book idea (if I like her and she seems the kind of person who I could work with). Stay tuned.

At any rate, I can’t look for a job until September due to some trips I have planned this summer. But I have been looking. And who knows, it might even be fun.

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  1. annie July 23, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I left you a note on FB.

  2. Jen July 24, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Interesting post! I am about 18 months out, and I actually did join a church even though I feel uncomfortable even saying the words Jesus or God. (It's a Unity church; low on dogma, though a bit high on New Age-ism.) I joined to be in a position to meet men some time in the future, but also to start developing a community, and honestly to have some guidance in exploring my spiritual side, which has been politely asking for attention since I lost Steve.

    I do work, at a pretty good sized company, but there just don't seem to be any single men.

    My action plan for finding men (when I feel ready — not quite yet): I will try ballroom dancing at a local venue that reportedly has many singles, and if I can swing babysitting, I'll start cycling again. And maybe join Table for Six.

    Good luck in your exploration of To Work or Not To Work!

  3. Crash Course Widow July 24, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    I'm right there with you. I have no idea really where to go from here, and the job question is pretty much always high of my list of "don't know what to do" questions. My pseudo-job right now just isn't enough (perhaps because I don't get paid, because it's a cash-empty startup company?) but I don't know if I *want* to work full-time and go back to "that life" yet. I rather like my supposed life of leisure as a single SAHM…but now that I'm past the worst hurdles of grief and widowhood, I find I'm scared about staying home again/longer.

    I'll sooooooooooo join that church if you find one!! ;o) I've considered the church thing a few times too, just to meet some people, but I keep (blackly) thinking that the church doors would have to burn down the moment I walk through them. ;o)

    Raising a margarita in homage to community! =) Hugs!

  4. Crash Course Widow July 24, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    And hey–after seeing Annie's comment above–are you on FB as yourself?? I search and saw the group for your book, but didn't to dig through the pages of search results to see if you were on there. Let me know if you are! (You can see my profile to add on your group page, I'd think.)

  5. won July 25, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Thank you for acknowledging the tendency to sequester oneself while grief stricken. While I've not lost a spouse (my loss was my 11 year old daughter), the tendency is the same. To stay home and hide feels much safer.

    Then this week I was lambasted in a mean way online for not working. The cloud of self doubt and "maybe there is something "wrong" with me did pause in my thoughts.

    Yes, there is something wrong with me but not was insinuated.

    I read your experiences and realize it's another example that only those in the throes of complicated grief are qualified to speak to. Thank you for this timely piece.

  6. Mark July 27, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Stay open to all the possibilities and follow your heart.

  7. Jill September 19, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Ever since my husband died almost 4 years ago when I was 44, I have thought about going back to work, even though I don't really want to. It's been great to recover on my own terms and to really be here for my kids without the additional stresses of work to distract me from them. I often feel as though I'm being irresponsible. I also worry that when I'm finally ready…will anyone want me? For now, I am choosing to feel grateful that I don't have to rush right back to work, to continue writing, and to get myself really fit and strong so at least I can feel I'm doing something to prevent myself from dying sooner than I have to and then orphaning my kids!

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