At the risk of seeming crazy, I thought I would post what I wrote as soon as I got home yesterday from my first session of hypnotism. I had no real expectations. I was worried it wouldn’t work on me at all, and to be truthful, it may not have. I could have been making stuff up out of my imagination, though I have to say, if that is the case, my imagination is pretty fast and fertile. Also, I didn’t expect the intense emotion I felt at the end where I just wanted to cry and cry, as I recognized myself in one of my past life incarnations. I can only describe it as extreme sadness that I had forgotten him and now I was remembering with a profound sense of recognition. At the end of this are some thoughts from my mother, who is responding to my sending her this account. Memories of my little girl self, perhaps more connected to this particular past life, before I had forgotten. All in all, an amazing experience.
I don’t normally like to write posts this long, but I thought it might be of interest to some.
It began with a series of relaxation exercises. The first visualization found me as a younger me at the opposite side of my grandmotherâ€™s cottage lake in the Laurentians on a sunny summer afternoon. I walked through soft grass, played with my hands in the cool water, sat on a park bench with my grandmother, who simply smiled at me. Afterward, I was walking through a field of tall grasses and wildflowers. I was told to picture a door and found myself in front of a wooden door with a rounded top, made with vertical boards, a heavy worn brass handle and the door was painted orange. I opened it by pulling out and there were a set of stairs going down. I was prompted to be greeted by someone. An old man appeared, hunched and gnarled with mere wisps of white hair on his head. I could see nothing but blackness around him.
The second visualization again had me by a lake where I sensed I was some sort of Indian, male or female I could not tell. I was dressed in tall buckskin type moccasins that came up almost to my knees. There was beading on the tops of the feet. There were feathers tied into my long black braids. I was asked to take a walk and find a door, which was a grass covered trap door in the ground, with a looped rope handle that I pulled. I had to climb down a ladder and entered a cave-like room with red, yellow and orange light dancing on the walls. In the middle, a large group of people were gathered around a large bonfire, but the flames were white. Some people were dancing around the fire and as I got closer, they appeared to be men doing some sort of traditional dance around a fire. Women did not seem to be dancing, but were standing around the fire in long skirts, some holding babies. There was a body on the fire, wrapped in strips of cloth like a mummy, and so I guess the ceremony was a funeral celebration, to escort the dead person to the spirit world. I stood to the side, almost out of view. I could have been a part of the group, but chose not to, as if I was a bit of an outsider. The old man from the first visualization was with me, and I sensed he was related to me, like a grandfather perhaps. I felt like it could either be his body or my own body on the fire, that we both might be dead, which is why we were not part of the ceremony, but simply looking on.
My name began with a letter like an R, though really I saw a symbol. It sounded like Raâ€™ull or Rowâ€™u. It was hard to decipher. I was a tall man, about 20 with an athletic body, a very fast runner, darkish skin, black hair in braids with beads and feathers braided in. I had black stripes of something oily across my cheeks, as if I was prepared to go to battle. I wore the buckskin boots with the beading, a sort of mini-skit loin cloth with tools hanging from it. I carried a long spear or perhaps an arrow. I hunted, shooting rabbits mostly with a bow and arrow. I was good at this because of my speed and patience.
My skill in this life was carving arrowheads, something that required great patience. The arrowheads chipped frequently, making them useless, causing me to begin again and again. I was glad when they did chip, because I enjoyed the peacefulness the works gave me. I was worried about having to be a warrior, secretly frightened that I was not cut out for fighting and killing. I sensed that both my parents were dead and that I had been raised by an uncle, perhaps the old man.
In another scene I am on a horse, bareback carrying a spear in my right hand, holding the horseâ€™s mane in the other and riding with a pack of my people/tribe (?) down a steep hill. I am about to go into my first battle, but I canâ€™t tell against whom, and I sense that this is how I die. I sense the battle is with another tribe, because I sense that I die from a spear to the neck.
In a third visualization, I am outdoors on what I can only describe as a moor. It is very green, yet quite rocky with very few trees. The is a stone house, very low to the ground and I am standing about 100 feet from it by a fire pit lined with stones over which boils a gigantic cauldron. There is another woman stirring it with a large stick. There are several children walking around. One of the first things I notice is a white bonnet on my head with ties hanging down beside my cheeks. I am wearing an all black dress with a skirt that is very heavy and with lots of layers so that my hands hanging down seem quite far from my body. I have white cuffs. I am asked where I am and what year it is and I sense I am somewhere in England around 1512.
I have an overall sense of frustration, as if I am responsible for all the children and the woman stirring who might be my mother or grandmother. I am responsible because I am the oldest. I am trapped and it is a very hard life. Very uncomfortable, cold, and although I am young, perhaps 15 or 16, I must remain there to take care of the household. There are no men for some reason. Dead or gone to war perhaps. Inside the house I am angrily making a bed, lighting a fire, sweeping, setting a table for 6 and feeling miserable. My back aches when I have to carry a heavy wooden bucket of water across the room. I sense that there is a boy who lives on a farm a fair distance away and that I hope to marry him, but know I cannot leave this family and my responsibilities. He must run his own farm, and so we can find no way that we can be together. It is this reason that I feel trapped, frustrated, angry at my circumstances.
Raâ€™ull brings patience, calmness, and freedom to his life, whereas the girl (Bonnie?) brings the opposite: Anger, frustration, a sense of feeling trapped. When asked to meld these two together, I feel anxious and fearful for Raâ€™ull. I donâ€™t want him to lose his positive qualities.
When asked to meld myself with Raâ€™ull, I am overcome with emotion â€“ a sense that I had forgotten him in this life, yet had known him all along. When asked to picture his presence in my life, I saw myself as straighter, stronger, more powerful. I understood the source of my sense of patience, the ability to concentrate on one task for long periods of time, my need for solitude, and sense of strength have all come from him. Whereas my opposite qualities of impatience/frustration, a sense of feeling trapped by my circumstances have all come from the girl.
I was asked to visualize myself holding Raâ€™ullâ€™s hands and receiving his message, which was simply to â€œstay calm.â€ Then I was asked to imagine holding him in my arms, allowing his essence/spirit to become my own, to gain power and strength from it. This caused more emotion. Finally I placed my hand where I felt his spirit in me (my chest) and was told every time I needed him, I just had to place my hand there.
It was hard to tell where these images were coming from. They seemed to be coming from my imagination, and yet the emotion at the end was overwhelming. There was a sense that these â€œcharactersâ€ were actually me, and they made perfect sense to me, a feeling that I had known they were there all my life. Certainly I sensed that with Raâ€™ull more than with the girl, because I sensed that Raâ€™ull was my most immediate past life, where the girl was longer ago.
I tried Googling the name Ra’ull and then Native American names and came up with this:
The name Raul means “Wolf counsel” or “Counsel of wolves”. There are very few Native American names that begin with R, but I did find one: Raramuri: meaning “foot runner.” An odd coincidence.
And some interesting insights from my mother:
Dear Spirit Daughter, <My mother’s keen sense of humour!>
What a fascinating journey you have had. You are right, both characters have been with you and yet I sense you are more Ra’wl than Bonnie. I do remember sensing your Ra’wl essence one time at the Island. You were about 10, I think. It was a very windy day and you and Jill were screaming and dancing along with the wind, the big rock your stage. It was quite primitive, actually. Jill, being younger and less self conscious was right into it. You took a little longer, but I think reasoned that you were actually free to dance. Once you got going, Â you were whirling like a dirvish, your bony brown elbows became potential weapons as you spun around. There was anotherwordly gleam to your eyes and a different kind of energy about you. It was a bit unsettling to me but I realized it was a strong part of you and valuable to you.
Also, It may have been what attracted you to the boy and the girl in “Free to Be You and Me”*. You were probably both. Your Sashaâ€ doll is important here. Don’t know why. But these are merely my thoughts, taking off on your own investigation. I feel very happy for you that you have discovered him in you. I was very moved. It is absolutely correct, and it is time to be integrated. How wonderful. You must feel so strong. I know you will use your power wisely.
And my reply:
Fun connections, thank you. Funny I did always feel very connected to that side of myself when I was at the Island, hanging out at the back of the island catching salamanders or sitting in my special tree. It felt like a mini nature domain meant just for me. And yes, Adalanta! I can see how they were the same person. And I can see why I have always thought of myself as a male/female twin. It was important that Raâ€™ull had his spear in his right hand, because he is my right side twin. Perhaps Bonnie of my left. Â And Sasha! Interesting connections.
*Adalanta in â€œFree to Be You and Meâ€ was the story of a girl who races side by side with a boy who is running for the right to marry her. He wins the race, but tells her it is her decision, and in the end they donâ€™t marry but become friends.
â€ Sasha was a dark skinned doll of South American heritage. Exquisitely made, a collectors item. My mother gave me the doll when I was about 6 and I still have her.