The Widow Bomb

I had another date last week, where the moment he found out how I was widowed, he ran, never to be heard from again. I knew from all his phone calls before we had even met, that he had built a fantasy of me. How can one live up to that? But then, after the date, he told me he was going to Google me, since I didn’t want to tell him how Arron had died on our first date, and suddenly the phone calls stopped.

Could he not have just Googled me before we went on the date? It would have saved a lot of time. I like getting to the “real” email stage, where we are actually getting each other’s real names. I did with this guy, assuming that he would do the inevitable search on my identity. I WANT a guy to Google me, so I don’t have to ever drop the bomb on him. Not great first date conversation. I have experimented dropping the bomb (early on, before I figured out this rule), and I hate it. That look on their face. The slow dawning on them of how BIG the thing is, and its implications on him. Sometimes, if the guy is quick on his feet, we have a good conversation about it, and I leave impressed, but know that I won’t ever hear from him again. But all in all, AWKWARD.

I got very honest on my Match profile. I reveal the widow thing, the kids, etc. I don’t drop the “how he died” bomb though. I want to meet someone who can at least get past the “easy” stuff. If he can’t cut that, then there’s no point.

But right now, I seem to be going through an apathetic dating stage again. Had a nice weekend with my kids, a content-without-a-man weekend. Another single mom and I hauled a huge grill out of the car and down to the house, and drank wine grilling our own burgers. I let my son build a bonfire (and light it!) while I threw piles of brush to him to put on top. I got drunk with some girl-friends. I visited the older beach widows (my adopted grandmas), happy to sit with them reveling in their contentment. I have much to learn from them.

Alas my latest emails languish. Just not in the mood for bombs.

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  1. ANovelMenagerie May 27, 2009 at 1:47 am

    He’s an idiot!

    Wish I was up there to join y’all for cocktails!

    Have a good week.


    P.S. At least you’re on and trying…. I won’t even do that!

  2. anniegirl1138 May 27, 2009 at 9:17 am

    I never did get that “fresh outta the box” thing that some men have. It’s better to find it out up front.

    I never had anyone run from the widow thing. The kid thing – yes. My widowhood was appealing to the divorced guys for some reason, but they didn’t understand that not having a ex-mate meant that I shouldered all the child care. I didn’t have days off where the other parent was in charge. It annoyed me that I had to work around their kids, but no such consideration for my own child.

    Could it be simply the circumstances of Arron’s death that freaks some? I am not sure why that would be though.

    Older widows are great, arent’ they? I am continually amazed by my mother’s patience and philosophical attitude since my father died last fall.

    I’m sorry that you are in a dating lull, but I am certain that the right person is out there, waiting for you.

  3. Supa Dupa Fresh May 27, 2009 at 10:18 am

    I started my Match ad: “Wiseass brainiac widow, 41, one kid” for the same reason: if they can’t deal, they won’t call. Like Annie, I found that widowhood didn’t put men off… I’ll respond more at length on my blog because I realize this comment is going to be ridiculously long! And story-wise, it really should follow the post I’m working on now.
    (Sorry to think out loud. Extrovert. Too old to change.)
    Thanks for all you have written and done — congrats for finding a way to survive this holiday weekend (which is usually awful for me, recalls my sister’s fiance’s death years ago). You’re resourceful and hilarious!
    My guess, though, is that the 9/11 thing is what freaks them out, and that you have national stature from that.

    More soon —


  4. Abigail May 27, 2009 at 10:56 am


    Well, it was more than cocktails and I was definitely worse for wear the next day, but fun. It would have been great to have you.

    I think they are running from the 9/11 thing more than the widow thing. I totally agree with you on the divorcees not really getting the kid thing. Most parents don’t fully get what 24/7 parenting is like.

    Looking forward to your blog and thanks for the boost. Sorry your holiday weekend is so tough. Its hard having something tough to have to remember when you are supposed to be on holiday. And yes, it is definitely the 9/11 thing that freaks them. I should have called the post “The 9/11 Bomb,” but I am sure that would have had all the conspirator theorists going crazy!

  5. won May 27, 2009 at 11:43 am

    OMG….so, is this just another reverberation of the terrorism felt years later?

    His reaction is pathetic. Seriously.

  6. Roads May 28, 2009 at 9:31 am

    Well, as a widow(er) I met a few divorcees and I guess they must have their issues, too. A couple of times I had the pleasure of hearing all about their relationship breakdown and their ex-husbands’ faults. Trust me — it wasn’t fun.

    It’s interesting since a widow(er) works entirely the other way. There are no faults for your date to have to listen to, and that might seem a positive. But what they may not yet realise is that it’s actually quite the opposite.

    Because the temptation for widow(er)s to turn their lost partners into saints might be an even bigger problem, because they can never compete with that.

    I tried hard to avoid that temptation, but perhaps it’s hard to be entirely objective about all your partner’s faults when you’re missing them with every ounce of your body for every second of the day.

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