Among the million other things I have on my plate at the moment, I am attempting to follow a seven-week course called "Calling in 'The One'." I mention this sheepishly, since it sounds kind of hokey. Plus, the website is all pink with lots of swirly script-type fonts, which as a web designer, I have to say annoys the heck out of me.

But, seriously? "The One"? Is there really only one? I sure as hell hope not, because if so, then I guess I should just stop where I am right now. I've had my "One." So for me, this course should really be called "Calling in The Next One." Haha.

I have really only completed one week of the course, and have managed to outline my past relationship "patterns." Things that came up for me were, overly independent, often the dumper rather than the dumpee, not really into having to "take care" of someone since I do enough of that already. I have always been the fiercely independent type, and I guess as a widow that got ramped up even more.

The next question had me stumped though. After looking at our patterns, we were meant to delve into how we may have felt victimized in past relationships. I have honestly never felt victimized, so perhaps I have missed the point on this one.But then, the question asked was, how am I co-creating the dynamic of my past relationship patterns? As I thought about this, I began to see that in the past, I have chosen people to date who were not emotionally available, or who needed so much care that I wound up rejecting them out of pure fatigue.Hmmm.

Next I was meant to set an intention to cause a breakthrough in love. "It is time to recognize that there is no fixed future out there" and that I need to have the power to create the love that I desire. The widow in me, had a little chuckle at the line that we had to recognize that there was "no fixed future." Yeah, got it. But I do get the need to set an intention. It takes you beyond just "wishing" or "hoping" for love. Even beyond "having faith" that love will be bestowed upon us (my usual M.O.). So I am going to work on my intention. We are meant to spell it out and put it in writing.

But here is one piece of the course that I am finding intriguing. I know that it is actually based on Feng Shui principals and involves preparing your home to accept a new love into your life. Yeah, kind of hokey again, but bear with me. You are meant to do things like arranging your things in pairs, like putting pairs of chairs together, matching coffee mugs, two toothbrushes. I'm not sure about the toothbrushes. Honestly, if I found myself at a guy's house who already had my toothbrush waiting for me, I would be seriously creeped out. But you get the idea. Another suggestion is to remove art in your home that reflects images of aloneness, alienation, solitude and replace it with images of union, community, togetherness. Of course, I looked around and I have an Ansel Adams photograph of a graveyard in moonlight (seriously!) and another photo of a single woman leaning against a wall. The rest are mostly kids painting and flower images. I have to say this woke me up a little.

But number 1 on the list was "Remove any pictures of former loves from sight." This stopped me in my tracks. Of course, this one is obvious, but up until this point, I had only removed them from my bedroom. I thought that was sufficient. I am not sure how to remove the rest. I asked Olivia how she might feel if I did this and she said, "Why would you do that?" I explained (very awkwardly) and she just sort of shrugged. "I don't see how they make any difference." But I actually do see how they would. I no longer need the pictures of Arron that are strewn around the house, though they often make me smile. I keep them around for the kids. But I suppose I can remove some of the pictures and try to put the rest in the kids' rooms. Maybe I could try removing them all and see if they notice. But then I have Arron's mother coming to visit. Do I run around replacing them all again when she visits? This is just so much more complicated than it seems, yet I know I have to do this. It's like taking off the wedding ring. When? How? And what does it really mean when it's done? It might take me a while. Or, it might take me a day. I'm not quite sure. In the meantime, perhaps I will take advantage of #6. Clean out your underwear drawer and throw away old undies and replace with new lingerie that make you feel confident and sexy. Why couldn't have this one been #1?