Using The Emotion of Grief For a Good Cause

Standing on a platform surrounded by hundreds of round tables with orchid centerpieces and people wearing twinkly items that flashed around the room, I tried to speak slowly, give punctuation and emotion to my words. I was the final speaker before the "Raise the Paddle" portion of the evening where you hope to incite in the audience so much emotion that they dig even deeper into their pockets to donate to your cause. I joked earlier in the evening that I needed to make this audience of 350 cry.The woman who spoke before me was a tough act to follow. She had us imagine a 16 year old girl who is told that her single mom has AIDS and all the prejudices she encounters in her high school as a result. And then the plot twist: the woman speaking was the girl's mom. She was powerful. Her voice wavered at the end as she held back tears. She was knee deep in the emotion of her experience.I tiptoed up to the platform and took the mic, knowing I was not. I spoke slowly. The waver in my voice came from nerves and not emotion. I made the mistake of stapling the corner of my speech and thus clumsily turned pages at inopportune moments. All along I was aware of my lack of emotion in my own story.I forget the emotive power of my story. To me, describing my daughter as wanting to be a "happy person" a few weeks after her father died or wearing my two-year-old son like a heavy necklace because he wouldn't let me out his sight is a distant memory. A memory that no longer has bite for me. But when I speak it, those small children come alive in my listener's minds.I have written and read this material for over ten years now, and so the emotion of that time has drained away for me (thank goodness), which is why I was slightly unprepared for the reaction I received when I stepped off the stage. A huge hug from a very tall man, Detlef Schrempf, whose foundation organizes the event; more hugs from fellow board members at The Healing Center on whose behalf I spoke, strangers congratulating me on a great job, the woman in the elevator who told me I caused her to spend more than she anticipated.Which is why I think I'm feeling a little... is it guilty? Guilty for not feeling the emotion that I so blatantly unleashed upon others to drum up donation dollars. Is it fair to do such a thing? Exploitive? Manipulative?After my speech, the Raise the Paddle began and many thousands of dollars raised. It's lovely to think that my story played a part in helping other families who are new to the experience of grief. For that I would tell me story a million times over.I never expected to wish to re-live the emotion of grief, but it might make moments like these seem a little less surreal.