Just Money

Like pretty much everyone, I have taken some hard knocks in my financial life and on Friday I had to make the dire decision to liquidate all of my equities (about half my portfolio). Of course the whole portfolio is down by about 50% since last September, so in monetary terms, this is a substantial hit, given that is the money my children and I live on.Having made this decision however, a weird calm came over me. Of course I was relieved that it at least felt as though I had staunched the bleeding, but it was more than that.I have always had an odd relationship with this money, the money I received as a result of Arron's death. I had to sign away my right to sue airlines, and building management companies and whomever else could be blamed for the grand mal seizure that was 9/11. When I signed that final document, I felt as though I had sold my soul to the devil. When the checks arrived by Fedex several months later, they made me cry, because I felt as though the money was some kind of hideous replacement for Arron. Those checks felt like something evil. I deposited the checks quickly and soon had invested the money which we have lived off ever since.I expected to be way more freaked out about losing so much of it. But like I said, I felt calm. The money carried an abstract quality, nothing more than a bunch of numbers on a page that grew or shrank with each monthly statement. Now it feels like I kind have the same amount as I used to have when compared to what everyone else has. We have all lost money, so the way I figure it, the value of the money has remained the same in relative terms. $100 dollars in September is worth $50 now. But I am probably just naive.There was also this feeling of contentment that came over me when I thought of selling the house, and perhaps even renting a cute little apartment, divested of stuff that I had to sell off on Craig's list. I imagined this simple life, where I had to make a lot of potatoes and lentil soup and where the kids and I would sit around and play Mexican Train on a weeknight. The thought actually made me happy. Ah, the idealism!But that's when I kind of stopped being scared and relaxed about the whole money deal. It is, after all, just money.